Pursuing Sexual Health and Wholeness
in Our Community

WHAT TO DO IF ...
THE MAN YOU LOVE USES PORN

SHORT INTRODUCTION FOR MALE READERS…

If you're a guy and you're reading this, please understand - we are not anti-men, and we are certainly not anti-sex. But pornography causes real harm to real people. We know - we get the phone calls from women who are being hurt by someone's use of pornography. This page of our website is written by women and men to help women. But men, if you want to understand the problem, take the time to see it from the woman's perspective.

It's Not Your Fault
What Are the Signs?
Your Response
"Do's and Don'ts"
His Reactions
Taking Action
Benefits of Counseling
The Bottom Line

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT… THE MAN YOU LOVE USES PORN

One woman's story...
" . . . my husband began using porn as a teenager. What was once an adolescent hobby became the 'other woman' in our marriage. At first it was our intimacy that suffered. Then, his pastime grew into an addiction, which then started to include more serious forms of 'adultery.' He was going to strip bars and sleeping with prostitutes. He was often late, with poor excuses. I noticed our money disappearing and never suspected he was spending nearly $500 a week to feed his addiction."

" . . . me? I felt responsible, ugly, ashamed, alone and hopeless. Why would he look at another woman unless I wasn't pretty or sexy enough? Friends rejected my idea that his porn use was ruining our relationship. They told me to be sexier, more sexually responsive and available so that he wouldn't look elsewhere. I tried all these things only to find they didn't work. I ended up feeling like a failure, as a wife and a lover. Now I know it wasn't me."

" . . . when we got help I found out his pornography use began before our marriage, as far back as his youth. Not only was it not my fault - it had nothing to do with me at all. After much counseling, we both understand he entered our marriage thinking I would cure all his sex problems. No wonder he was so disappointed and angry."

" . . . and we're still together. We are living proof that a pornography or sex addiction does not have to mean the end of your relationship."

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS?

Signs that he may be using porn…
They are sometimes blatant, like physical evidence, and other times continue for years before you're suspicious. Porn use is almost always part of a larger problem. A combination of the following symptoms may indicate regular porn use...

Noticeable decreased or increased interest in sex with you
Presses sexual practices that make you uncomfortable
Neglects your sexual, physical and emotional needs
Neglects responsibilities involving kids, finances, job
Lack of intimacy in physical contact and conversation
Sexual isolation, excessive masturbation
Argumentative, defensive, disagreeable
Goes out of his way to look at other women

Signs it may have escalated to live porn, or a possible sex/porn addiction…
Unexplained absences
Unusual possessions, i.e. porn, clothes, receipts, sexual paraphernalia
Financial issues - unusual spending patterns
Sex life is rigid, dispassionate, quick, detached - shortened foreplay and premature ejaculation
Promiscuity
Violent/aggressive behavior - rape or sexual violence
Insatiable appetite for sex
Obsessed with female body parts

Why he's using porn…
Out of curiosity, males are naturally drawn to pornography. Pornography is an aid to masturbation, which provides sexual gratification without intimacy. But men don't use pornography just because it's sexually stimulating.

Other reasons are...
Pornography provides relief from pain often caused by childhood neglect, abuse, family dysfunction or some childhood trauma
Poor coping mechanisms - masturbation is a stress reducer
Fantasy involved in porn/masturbation provides escape from reality
Society conditioning that being actively sexual is the social "norm"
False understanding of intimate relationships; relationship with porn carries no risk of rejection
Fear of intimacy
Fear of rejection
Need for validation of masculinity

YOUR RESPONSE

Whatever you're feeling is OK…
When you've diagnosed the problem, a natural period of denial sets in to block the initial devastation. After the shock wears off, you probably feel...

Inadequate
Deceived
Isolated
Rejected
Angry
Responsible
Shameful
Betrayed
Sad
Desperate
Confused
Disappointed
Fear of being alone
Loss of relationship

Move beyond denial to coping…
You are not alone. The National Coalition's Victim Assistance office in Cincinnati fields an average of 20 calls per week from spouses of porn/sex addicts. The important thing to remember is not to be an enabler. By letting his behavior continue, you condone his porn use and help it grow.

Try these steps…
Do not ignore his behavior
Be on the lookout for signs and symptoms
Do not downplay the signs or rationalize
Do not tolerate abusive behavior
Do not cover for him with bosses and friends

Approaching him…

It is necessary for you to communicate an acknowledgement of the problem, how you feel about it and what you want him to do in order to begin the recovery process.

His primary fear is that if you really knew him, you would reject him and leave him. These fears keep him from addressing the underlying problem.

Be sensitive to his self image and what he is feeling. Dr. Patrick Carnes shares core beliefs of the porn user/addict:
"I am basically a bad, unworthy person..."

He fears abandonment because abandonment means being unwanted. He can only conclude that unwanted means unworthy and bad.
"No one would love me as I am..."

He fears rejection and avoids intimacy to protect himself. He does not believe in unconditional love.

"DO'S" AND "DON'TS"

Don't…
Accept blame/responsibility
Criticize or accuse using "you" statements like: "You're sick" or "You are irresponsible and unreliable"
Keep silent or secret; you enable that way
Mother him by accepting responsibility for his recovery and your relationship
Present vague suspicions or premature conclusions like: "You're a sex addict/porn addict, aren't you?" This makes him defensive and leads to more deception/secrecy
Stage an interrogation

Do…
Avoid taking responsibility
Assure confidentiality
Talk about signs focusing on behaviors and observations and your reaction to them: "I've noticed . . . and this makes me feel . . ."
Be honest and caring
Listen and have an open mind
Use "I" or "we" statements like "I'm confused about our sex life . . ." or "We're drifting apart . . ." or "I worry about you when you're late . . ."
Let him speak and vent
Reassure him that you love him

HIS REACTIONS

His initial reactions will range from denial and anger to blame/guilt and hurt. He may try to play down your concerns or completely ignore you. Use this time to determine his stance on his porn use.

His position will likely be one of these three...

Lawlessness
He has no sense of a problem:
"I know pornography is wrong, I don't care that it's wrong, I want to use it."
He feels honesty makes his behavior OK. The honest approach of this stance is hopeful.

Minimization
He makes the problem smaller than it is, owning a percentage of the problem but denies its magnitude with rationalization:
"It's not as bad as you think. It's a hobby."
They value an image of goodness rather than having qualities that make them good.

Confession
A confessor is a broken man who has given up trying to be good. He admits his porn use has caused harm:
"My human relationships have suffered because of my life of porn, fantasy and self-gratification."
This man wants to recover and needs your help.

TAKING ACTION

The most vital ingredient for recovery is to seek counseling (see below), both as a couple and individually. For successful recovery, set guidelines from which to build a healthy relationship. You set these "boundaries". Soliciting the advice of a counselor beforehand and during recovery will help you better understand yourself and the relationship.

These boundaries are not to punish or control him but to help you establish acceptable behavior within the relationship. Stick with them even when he becomes angry or challenges your boundaries.

Setting boundaries…
Now that you are aware, you are in control of your situation - not in a manipulative sense, but in the sense of not drifting.
Do not agree to work on the relationship if he won't.
Make sure he knows the consequences if he crosses your boundaries. For instance, if he stays out late you will not cover for him with his boss.
Stop rescuing him, enabling him - that perpetuates the problem.
Avoid withdrawing from the relationship as an act of revenge. It is OK to stop trusting for now, but forgiveness should be your goal.
Do not give in to his sexual demands. You have the right to refuse sex, but not to manipulate.
Do not cover for him or make excuses.

BENEFITS OF COUNSELING

You should seek counseling as soon as possible. A counselor will be your ally. They will listen, provide a comfortable and safe atmosphere, bring objectivity to your problem, validate your feelings and give guidance. Furthermore, counseling accelerates the recovery process.

Couples therapy along with individual counseling is ideal. However, your counselor should be different from the counselor you see together and the counselor he sees. It is not your responsibility to find a counselor for him...remember, you are not responsible for his recovery (see "do's and don'ts," above).

He will most likely resist the idea of counseling. Seek it yourself whether he agrees or not.

Counseling helps you ...
Resolve personal/individual issues
Understand him better
Set boundaries comfortable for you
Learn when to take responsibility
Work toward your goal

Finding a good counselor ...
Full recovery depends on feeling comfortable and safe to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. A good counselor lets you do this. Don't let a bad counseling experience deter you from therapy. Find a good match.

Look for…
A degreed psychologist or psychiatrist
Someone who specializes in sex addiction/abuse and has experience with your issue, family issues and codependency
References for other counselors so you have a choice

Note: There are Christian counselors who specialize in these areas.

Getting started…
The Spokane Coalition provides a referral service specifically designed for victims of porn and sex addiction. Call 509/921-2748 for a counselor near you.

Other options...
American Family Association Hot Line, 1-800-366-8387
Minirth Meier National Counseling Hot Line, 1-800-639-5433
Family Service America, 1-800-221-2681
National Association for Families and Addiction Research and Education, 1-800-638-BABY

THE BOTTOM LINE

Keep in mind…
You have the right to feel anger or any other emotion. Allow yourself to feel in order to heal.
Do not punish him by withholding sex, embarrassing him in front of others, having an affair, and threatening to leave and take the kids.
You are vulnerable. Do not give in to the temptation of letting him off the hook for the sake of staying together.
Behavior changes and character changes are two different things: you want his character to change in order to affect his behavior.

About leaving…
You always have the option to leave the relationship. Porn use can escalate to porn and/or sex addiction. If gone untreated, you risk…

Emotional abandonment or neglect
Physical and/or sexual abuse
Contracting sexually transmitted diseases, such as AIDS
Your children's physical safety and psychological health
Financial loss

Persevere…
Don't give up. Recovery takes time. Don't expect too much too soon, from yourself or from him. Concentrate on personal and spiritual development. Nurturing yourself and taking care of you is your number one priority.

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