Pursuing Sexual Health and Wholeness
in Our Community

IS IT WORTH THE RISK? ...

THE RISK TO RELATIONSHIPS...
We all want deep and meaningful relationships ¾ ones in which we are free to reveal all the good and bad of ourselves; ones in which the physical expressions of love are passionate and fulfilling. If just wanting a great marriage were the key to success, then the divorce rate would probably plummet.

But in the real world, it's hard to stay married-much less maintain a vibrant, fulfilling relationship-even under ideal circumstances. Work pressures, complications of child rearing, financial obligations and personal baggage all make for formidable challenges.

One of these challenges is pornography. Sexual images and messages tempt all of us, no matter how committed we are to our partners. And most of us have faced it, if not succumbed to it-the temptation to thumb through a pornographic magazine, drop into a strip joint, cruise the Internet for XXX-rated sites or rent a pornographic video. In fact, most men had their first exposure to these types of pornography when they were teenagers. And for many, the habit stuck.

We hear a lot about the link between hard-core pornography and sexual crimes like rape or child molestation. And certainly these statistics are reliable and alarming. But we also know that using pornography doesn't lead all men to become serial rapists, child molesters or sex addicts.

So what are the implications for "recreational" users? Is it simply harmless entertainment? Well, take a look at some of the ways pornography can undermine your most important relationships and then decide for yourself.

UNDERMINING YOUR MARRIAGE OR LOVE RELATIONSHIP...
Getting along with the opposite sex is often difficult and sometimes downright exasperating. The effort that goes into maintaining a vibrant and mutually fulfilling sexual relationship sometimes feels like work when sex is supposed to be fun, right? That's when pornography can begin to seem more interesting. But no matter how alluring or inviting the scenario, it's a poor substitute for the real thing. And frankly, it's a cop-out from building a meaningful relationship with a real person.

For starters, pornography introduces a third (or fourth or fifth...) partner into the relationship. This compromises the bonds between partners, whether the effects are recognized or not.

Studies indicate that pornography tends to be viewed in secret-whether it is because users know their partners would be angry or hurt, or because they suspect a negative response. Either way, clandestine use of pornography creates secrets within a relationship, and secrets build walls, not bridges.

INFLUENCING ATTITUDES...
Perhaps most basic is pornography's influence on attitudes. To deny the impact of what we read or view on our attitudes is to deny the power of advertising. If that were true, Madison Avenue would have closed down years ago. Or compare it to education. If great classics "improve the mind," degrading material does the opposite.

In Dr. Gary R. Brooks' thought-provoking book, The Centerfold Syndrome, he discusses the harmful and destructive nature of some currently prevalent male attitudes toward sex. He believes men come by these attitudes through pornography and has identified five principal symptoms of what he calls "The Centerfold Syndrome." For example, when the normal male characteristic of being visually stimulated becomes a "voyeuristic" preoccupation, is this still healthy?

Consider that every woman in a magazine or X-rated video or on the computer screen or in the strip club is someone's daughter or sister or wife. While she may have chosen to display herself in such a way, the reality is that for every woman who experiences the industry as a rewarding and satisfying career, there are many others whom the industry exploits and degrades. In essence, you're condoning that exploitation.

COMPROMISING FAMILIAL BONDS...
What impact, if any, does your use of pornography have on your kids? If you view it at home, you probably keep it well hidden, right? Well, don't believe your kids won't see it. Many men-maybe even you-say their first exposure to this material was when they found the stash belonging to their father or uncle.

Children as well as teenagers have a natural curiosity about sex, which is certainly appropriate. However, even the most libertarian among us would probably agree that pornographic magazines or XXX-rated videos are not the best places to learn about the opposite sex. In fact, they are probably the worst. In his book, The Sexual Man, Dr. Archibald Hart suggests that most young males who have their sexual beliefs and attitudes shaped by pornography pick up a distorted view of how women feel about sex and what can reasonably be expected from sex. This sets them up for disappointment and failed relationships in the real world.

Like it or not, your sons and daughters will have many of their attitudes about relationships shaped by observing you. How can you advise your teenage sons or daughters about relating to the opposite sex when those messages are inconsistent with what's going on in your own life? Kids have an uncanny ability to perceive authenticity-or the lack thereof.

And what about the effect on your daughters? Studies are concluding that a girl's relationship to her father has a profound impact on not only her self perceptions but also on her relationships to men. Can you honestly say that using pornography in no way colors your relationship with your daughter? Think about it.

While you may never develop an obsession with pornography or progress to the point where you act out the scenarios you view, take an honest look at how pornography might be affecting your relationships.

Hart expresses it well in his book. "Yes, uncontrolled sexual desire is destructive. But ... sexual flames can be controlled without complete dousing. After all, who would dare say that an appealing fire on a cold winter's night, contained in the hearth of one's home, isn't a matchless, marvelous blessing?"

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